My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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