my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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