dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize