somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I want a musical about memes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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