Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
