Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize