haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
