Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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