We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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