I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
