party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He kissed a someone with a penis
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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