They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
