The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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