My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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