im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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