i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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