I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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