I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
