i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize