She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize