We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
