so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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