During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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