I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
