Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
