3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
