I should be sponsored by Trojan
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
