I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
