I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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