In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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