: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
