But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
