Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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