Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
