so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
