i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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