You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
