I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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