Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
