I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
