The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
