the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
