I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
