I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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