haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
