You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
