my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
