I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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