i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
