I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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