Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
