The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
