pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize