Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
