I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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