there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
