I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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