Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
